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Ken Magill

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Announcing the Truly Twisted Marketing Metaphor Contest!


By Ken Magill

Think you’ve got a twisted mind? Why, of course you do! You’re a Magill Report reader.

This week, in order to give readers a chance to demonstrate their demented creativity I am launching The Magill Report Twisted Marketing Metaphor Contest.

And what Magill Report contest would be complete without a meat football on the line? The winner of this contest will get a two-pound sweet Lebanon bologna football from Dietrich’s Meats in Krumsville, PA. Mmm mm.

The idea for this contest came to me last week while I was doing my usual searching for story ideas. I came across one of those metaphor articles that are so nauseatingly common in business writing. “What a trapped bird teaches us about getting where we want to go,” this particular insipid metaphor was titled.

As usual when I run across such articles, I rolled my eyes and thought: Whatever.

However, over the years it has occurred to me if I didn’t have such a crappy attitude toward business-metaphor writing, I might be a lot wealthier. After all, the far-and-away-most intellectually insulting business metaphor book of all time, 1998’s “Who Moved My Cheese?” was a best seller.

So this time, I decided to challenge myself, but not to write just any old business metaphor. I wanted to write the most outrageous email-marketing-metaphor article ever.

Frankly, I think I pulled it off. But read it and judge for yourself.

What I’m hoping is that my little artistic endeavor will inspire you to come up with an outrageous email or online marketing metaphor of your own.

You don’t have to write under your real name. [However, if you want a chance at the meat football, I have to know who you are.] Just leave the metaphor in the comments below this announcement or under my metaphor article, or send it to my email address:

Also, don't let my example constrain your creativity. Any kind of metaphorical silliness will do. The idea is simply to ridicule business-writing metaphors with satire.

If there is even only one entry and my panel of judges—my wife, a colleague and I—deem it good/ twisted/silly enough, I will declare it the winner and send the author a meat football.

For inspiration, read my metaphor article here.


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Terms: Feel free to be as big a jerk as you want, but don't attack anyone other than me personally. And don't criticize people or companies other than me anonymously. Got something crappy to say? Say it under your real name. Anonymous potshots and personal attacks aimed at me, however, are fine.

Posted by: Ray Miller
Date: 2013-05-16 19:40:04
Subject: Metaphor Contest / I am unworthy

No Contest. After reading your brilliant and completely twisted metaphor, I deem any entry I could write, unworthy in comparison. Once Again, Thanks for making me laugh. Ray
Posted by: Jim Davidson
Date: 2013-05-14 12:09:36

I'll admit, I may have been pushing it with "How is Big Data Like ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’?" but I stand by it!