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Ken Magill

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Best Dating Site Letter Ever


By Ken Magill

Shuvitt Inyurass just got the best dating-site letter ever.

As long-time readers know, Shuvitt Inyurass was my fake name in a 2009 exchange with a Nigerian 419 scammer in which I introduced family members such as Pierce D. Boyle and Lihtta Pharty Inyurass.

I’ve used the Shuvitt Inyurass email address on occasion ever since. Recently, he began getting emails from the dating site Asian Beauties. If Asian Beauties is to be believed, China is literally teaming with 50-something widows and divorcees who look like professional models.

Every day an email with multiple so-called Asian Beauties in it arrives accompanied by photos and letters. The letters usually begin by saying how attracted the writer was to Shuvitt Inyurass’s profile—a profile that I certainly never posted.

In any case, last week Shuvitt Inyurass received the best letter yet—a steamy email that repeatedly uses an emoticon that looks to mean “needs seeing-eye dog.”

The email is supposedly from a woman named either Renee or Liling—or maybe Liling means Renee in Chinese.

Renee/Liling saves the best for last:

Dear shuvittinyurass.

Are you a wise man? *_*

A wise man can find his love at his first sight. *_*

In a word, today you meet an open-minded woman.

Hehe… that’s Renee.

A lovely Renee. *_*

Renee is studying English very hard, if there is time, she will take out her English book to read. On the bus, on the railway and even in the break at her work, she will try to learn a new word. *_*

Do you want to be her English teacher?

Hehe… I am not sure if you are a good teacher, but I am sure she is your naughty student. *_*

You will be lost in her smile when you teach, and your mind will just fly far far away, do you want to have a try? *_*

Do you want to live with that student?

She will run to open the door for you and put her arms on your neck and give you a sweet kiss.

You just need to sit down, hehe….

The delicious food is coming. *_*

Now she becomes a big cook.

You kiss her until both of you are breathless, because when you taste her food and you can feel endless sweet and pleasure.

You want to do nothing but put her into your arms.

Kiss kiss and still kiss her. You can’t stop now.


You lose your control now, your mind is filled with her.

Haha…. Now you can never be a good teacher, because you have no mind to do it.

You just want to stay with her and look at her, in the silence, both of you become a pair of snowman.

Both of you are smelt into water……

Then it becomes a river, both of you have each other in mind and body. You can never separate now.

Hehe….. The river is running and running, the river is singing: I love you forever and we are running into the love ocean……

Do you want to be my snowman?

Your snowwoman,


Editor’s note: Well, if I say “yes,” at least she won’t call me fat.


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