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Ken Magill

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It's Email-Marketing Christmas Carol Time!


By Ken Magill

Hey everybody, it’s Christmas Eve! And you know what that means? It means it’s time for Magill Report email-themed Christmas carols! I wrote three just for you.

Our first email-marketing Christmas carol is to be sung to the tune of Let it Snow:

Hitting spam traps is frightful

A clean list is delightful

If there’s one lesson you shouldn’t miss

Don’t buy lists! Don’t buy lists! Don’t buy lists!

Spamhaus is not relenting

So lists you should not be renting

If you want to avoid getting pissed

Don’t buy lists! Don’t buy lists! Don’t buy lists!

If you want to keep troubles low

Grow your list organic

And if you ignore this advice

The mistake you’ll make is gigantic

Oh, spammers are always lying

If you’re one you’ll soon be crying

If you haven’t yet got the gist

Don’t buy lists! Don’t buy lists! Don’t buy lists!

Our second carol is to be sung to the tune of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire):

Last year we flipped out over Gmail tabs

This year is bound to be the same

Something will happen beyond our control

Email is dead, will be the claim

Everybody knows someone who flips out easily

And makes predictions that never turn out right

Maybe this year, we’ll learn to ignore them

And out of my butt will fly a kite

And so I’m offering this simple phrase,

To marketers from one to ninety two

Although it’s been said many times many ways

Pull your heads from your asses, if it’s the last thing you do

And our last Christmas carol is sung to the tune of Good King Wenceslas:

Email marketer Marianne

Thought she had a plan

Buy some names from India

Then send them some spam

“Double opt-in they guaranteed

“Or my money back

“For 2 cents a thousand names

“Why not take a whack?”

On that day a campaign was sent

Boy the list was crappy

Marianne’s servers are now blocked

She’s not very happy

Now she’s got a really bad

Email reputation

She’s hearing from her ESP’s

ISP relations

“Didn’t 2 cents a thousand names

“Seem too good to be true?

“Lists you buy from India

“Aren’t worth their weight in poo-ooo-ooo”

Merry Christmas, everybody!


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Terms: Feel free to be as big a jerk as you want, but don't attack anyone other than me personally. And don't criticize people or companies other than me anonymously. Got something crappy to say? Say it under your real name. Anonymous potshots and personal attacks aimed at me, however, are fine.

Posted by: Dela Quist
Date: 2013-12-24 17:39:19
Subject: Can we end the email year on an uplifting note

Lovely/clever lyrics, but they tend to pander to the email marketers are idiots school of thought. Here is an uplifting/positive carol from team Alchemy Worx