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Ken Magill

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It's Christmas Carol Time!

By Ken Magill

Hey folks! It’s that time of year again! What time, you say? The Holidays?

Why no, my misguided—but nonetheless wonderful—friend. It’s not the holidays. “The holidays” is a term that has been foisted upon us by a small minority of joyless, politically correct weenies who have somehow managed to brainwash a large number of otherwise sensible people to use it, too.

No friend, it’s Christmastime. And you know what that means? Why, lame email-marketing themed Christmas carols, that's what it means!

This year, we have two, both aimed at sending the message that scraping addresses off the Internet and buying email lists is stupendously dumb, especially buying email lists from companies we’ve never heard of.

First up is one sung to the tune of The Little Drummer Boy. We’ll call this one Little Spammer Boy:

Buy, they told me

A rum pum pum pum                            

I’d never heard of them

A rum pum pum pum

They had email lists for sale

A rum pum pum pum

I bought 10,000 names

A rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum                  

They guaranteed the list, a rum pum pum pum, or a refund

I sent some mail to it

A rum pum pum pum

I got my servers blocked

A rum pum pum pum

And now I’m blacklisted

A rum pum pum pum

Can’t get my mail sent out

A rum pum pum pum,  rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

About to lose my job

A rum pum pum pum 

Boy am I dumb

Next up, we have an email marketing Christmas carol sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town, also aimed at teaching—through song—the dangers of buying email lists and getting addresses off the Internet.

This one’s called Spamhaus Guys are Coming to Town:

You better not scrape, you better not buy, you better not spam I’m telling you why

Spamhaus guys are coming to town

They’re keeping a list, checking it twice

Gonna find out who’s spammy or nice

Spamhaus guys are coming to town

They block you when you’re spamming

They know it when you scrape

They’ll make you re-opt your entire list

So don’t spam for goodness sakes

Oh, you better not scrape, you better not buy, you better not spam I’m telling you why.

Spamhaus guys are coming to town.

And that’s it for this year’s round of lame email-marketing Christmas carols!  Please, celebrate irresponsibly.

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Terms: Feel free to be as big a jerk as you want, but don't attack anyone other than me personally. And don't criticize people or companies other than me anonymously. Got something crappy to say? Say it under your real name. Anonymous potshots and personal attacks aimed at me, however, are fine.

Posted by: Luke
Date: 2013-12-24 13:27:17
Subject: D'oh

That was supposed to be "Judging from the comments..." Bah, Humbug!
Posted by: Luke
Date: 2013-12-24 13:24:21
Subject: The Comments

Hmmm.... Guiding from the comments, this post is reaching the intended audience, but unfortunately they're not listening. Merry Christmas Ken!

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