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Ken Magill

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Lamest Contest Ever Gets a Winner!


By Ken Magill

I am proud to announce we have a winner of the Magill Report Truly Twisted Marketing Metaphor Contest!

The winner: marketing analyst Kathy Yang! Yayyy! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Did she win because she submitted a truly twisted marketing metaphor? No. Her metaphor isn’t all that twisted. It’s kind of sweet with mild sexual references, actually.

But she submitted an entry, which is more than I can say for the rest of you losers.

As some readers are aware, I put out a call for twisted marketing metaphors two weeks ago for a contest I was having. The grand prize was a two-pound Lebanon bologna football from Dietrich’s Meats in Krumsville, PA. Mmmm. Mmm.

I even supplied a metaphor as inspiration. Apparently, I wasn’t all that inspiring. In two weeks, I received a grand total of one entry: Kathy’s.

As a result, Kathy gets the football.

Congratulations, Kathy. Email me a mailing address at and I’ll get the tasty meat treat out to you pronto.

Advice: Get a really sharp carving knife and shave the skin off the football. The rind is pretty tough. But what’s inside is pure meaty, heart-attack-inducing wonderousness.

Some serving suggestions:

Lebanon bologna is great cut into cubes and served with cheese.

Now this next suggestion is going to sound weird but make a sandwich using your newly acquired Lebanon bologna and peanut butter. Lebanon bologna is good with other condiments, in particular, mustard.

But trust the fat man on this one, Kathy. Peanut-butter-and-Lebanon-bologna sandwiches are pure heavenly yumminess. Some people also add potato chips to their peanut-butter-and-Labanon-bologna sandwiches. I have yet to go that far. A man must have his limits.

Slices of Lebanon bologna are great wrapped around cream cheese. I just had that tasty treat for lunch. Yes, it’s a fatty snack but it doesn’t spike my sugar.

Some people add half a gherkin to their Labanon-bologna-wrapped cream cheese. Another variation on this theme is Lebanon bologna wrapped around cream cheese and sweet pickle relish.

I’ve been meaning to try both of those.

Enjoy your football, Kathy!

And without further adieu, I am proud to present Kathy Yang’s Truly Twisted Marketing Metaphor Contest winning entry:

How to be a Romeo with Your New Email Lead

Email communications with your customer is a relationship and should be nurtured as such. When a new person subscribes to your list, she has shown interest in you. You flirted with her and she gave you her number. Great!

Now, getting a number does not mean you closed the deal and can get right to knockin’ boots. No! You must romance; you must woo. Do not just jump right into it by immediately dumping her into your regular mass email stream like an overeager teen trying to get to home base before passing first. Coax her with a welcome email, followed by other content-rich introduction emails that show her what you’re all about and what you have to offer.

And after she “samples your goods,” don’t be the jerk that doesn’t call her back. Make her feel special, not like a cheap hooker, by sending follow up emails that show your gratitude and your desire to continue your relationship. Gain her loyalty by actively communicating. Show her you’re a good listener by asking for feedback. Spoil her with gifts (what girl doesn’t love a 15% off coupon?). Treat your new email lead like you would a classy lady and you’ll be sure to get lucky. Now go get ‘em tiger!



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