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Magill FFL Season 3: Return Path Blasts Out of the Gate


By Ken Magill

In its third-year crusade to soothe the pain of two previous heartbreaking seasons, the Return Path GOLIATHS scored a whopping 152.5 points in a lopsided win over Omeda’s Oh My! Omeda, which scored an anemic 72.94 points.

A quick look at Omeda’s roster shows they have the horses to score higher—New England quarterback Tom Brady, Cincinnati wide receiver A.J. Green and Dallas wide receiver Dez Bryant among them. The fantasy gods simply did not smile on them this week.

Also, this is not the first time Return Path has come flying out of the gate. In the first season of Magill Report fantasy football, the GOLIATH’S ripped through the league all year only to get knocked out of the playoffs in a shocking fraction-of-a-point loss.

Last year, Return Path struggled in the early going, then gained steam toward the end of the season but couldn’t record enough wins to make the playoffs.

Meanwhile, the eWay Direct Avengers scored the second-highest point total this week, beating the Responsys’ deliverability team’s Always in the Inbox 125.82 to 97.42.

eWay Direct benefitted from solid performances across its roster while Always in the Inbox was victimized be single-digit outings from Jacksonville running back Maurice Jones-Drew, Green Bay wide receiver Greg Jennings, Washington running back Evan Royster and Green Bay kicker Mason Crosby.

Always in the Inbox also suffered a minus-two-point day from the Buffalo Bills defense.

Okay, Responsys, you weren’t here last year so we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt. But apparently we have to have the same chat I must have with at least one team owner every year.

You see, I grew up in Buffalo. I’ve been rooting for the Bills since the O.J. Simpson days. He was drafted in 1969 when I was seven. I attended the first game ever played in Ralph Wilson—then Rich—Stadium in 1973. I had season tickets to the Bills for years. I have a Thurman Thomas jersey hanging in my closet.

You know what else I have, Responsys? Scars. Deep, ugly scars. I have more than 40 years of scars from thinking every year that this may finally be the year the Bills pull it together, and then at some point in the season having my heart ripped out of my chest.

Thankfully, this year’s heart ripping came early in Sunday’s pummeling by the Jets. But here’s the deal, Responsys. As much as I love the Bills, I hardly ever start any of them on my fantasy team. I’ve won four championships in my fantasy football league in 10 years. I’ve missed the playoffs once, maybe twice.

Why? Because I generally avoid the Bills. Want to know what my fantasy team name is this year? BillsTeaseAgain:( And last year? WhyGodHateBuffalo?

Now I find it hard to believe that what we saw against the Jets on Sunday is indicative of what the Bills’ defense will be throughout the year. But you have been warned: God does hate Buffalo sports fans—either that or he loves us in a Book-of-Job kind of way—and every time you start a Bill on your fantasy team, you risk his wrath.

Nice to get that lecture taken care of so early in the season.

In any case, PL Marketing’s Lakeland Hawks posted the third-highest point total this week, beating first-season champion e-Dialog’s e-D’s 125.26 to 109.58.

Movable Ink’s Inkredibles—managed by last year’s champion Jordan Cohen—beat the NetAtlantic TidalWave 123.22 to 108.18.

Victor Printing’s [who let a printer in this league?] Browns beat Message Systems’ MS Destroyers 106.3 to 91.64.

The Marketfish Sharks beat LivingSocial’s Illegal Use of Hands 97.6 to 87.82. And the TowerData Validators beat the FreshAddress @men 90.32 to 88.06.

To all the winners: Congratulations. To all the losers: Chin up. One loss means nothing.


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Terms: Feel free to be as big a jerk as you want, but don't attack anyone other than me personally. And don't criticize people or companies other than me anonymously. Got something crappy to say? Say it under your real name. Anonymous potshots and personal attacks aimed at me, however, are fine.

Posted by: Jordan Cohen
Date: 2012-09-11 17:10:36
Subject: Clarification

To clarify, I brought on a great head coach this year, Vince "VP" PeGan, who led us to this first victory of the season against the NetAtlantic LittleWave. It's his first time managing a Magill League caliber team, but I have full confidence that he's up to the challenge. Return Path, brace yourselves for the pain!