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Magill Report FFL Season Two: A Call for Teams


By Ken Magill

The most important news to come out of the end of the National Football League’s lockout is that there will be a Magill Report Fantasy Football League Season Two.

Hallelujah! Praise be to beer and vodka martinis!

If this season is anything like last season, it will be a blast.

Last year, league-favorite Return Path romped over pretty much everyone throughout the regular season only to be unexpectedly knocked out of the playoffs in a shocking fraction-of-a-point loss to Harte-Hanks.

The following week, e-Dialog beat Harte-Hanks to take The Magill Report Fantasy Football League’s first championship.

The champion’s spoils included a crystal trophy and an almost-regulation-sized, football-shaped, sweet Lebanon bologna sausage from Dietrich’s Meats in Krumsville, PA. Yum.

e-Dialog's sausage football ready to be carved at the company's victory party last year.

For those unfamiliar with Lebanon bologna, it is a cured, smoked, fermented, semi-dry sausage similar in appearance to salami, but with a distinctly tangy flavor.

It is Pennsylvania-Dutch originated, served throughout the state as luncheon meat and one of the many reasons I am fat. Mmmmm. Mmm. I get it mail order along with smoked femur bones for my dogs.

As for Dietrich’s Meats, it is a refuge from America’s food Nazis. It is a place where the words “low” and “fat” have never been uttered in the same sentence. It is also a place where cows, hogs, sheep and wild game get processed into every meat-lover’s delight imaginable and some not so imaginable. Its website features the sentence: “Deer hunters—call for drop-off hours.”

I belong there. I want to live there.

Dietrich’s is one of the few places I can go and feel like American culinary culture hasn’t passed me by.

You can buy fresh-rendered lard there.

Oh, and they have cow tongue. Pickled and fresh.

We pass by it about once a year on the way to visit relatives. It always calls to me. It is meat rapture.

We always must stop on the way home.

When I walk in and the smell of smoked, butchered and cured delicacies begins to wash over me and into my nostrils, I hear distant, indescribably beautiful music. Angels begin weeping. And I begin ordering.

“Anything else?” asks the smocked, meat-cutting goddess behind the counter.

Oh, yes. There’s always something else.

I contemplate taking off my clothes and going behind the counter to roll around in all of its meat wonderfulness. She’ll understand, won’t she? And if she doesn’t, do they even have police in Krumsville, PA?

What? What was that?

Oh, right. Really bad visual. Plus this is supposed to be about The Magill Report’s Fantasy Football League Season Two.

Sorry about that. Got lost in a meat fantasy for a moment there.

In any case, this year I decided to take the Magill Report league from 10 teams to 12 if I can get that many to join. That means there are at least two slots open, possibly more if all of last year’s teams don’t come back.

Last year’s teams have right of first refusal on the first 10 slots.

Anyone out there who wasn’t in last year’s league and who would like to join this year should email me at

And anyone who was in last year’s league who wants back in, please email me and save me the trouble of digging through my inbox.

Open slots will be awarded on a first-come, first-served basis.

This year’s winner will also receive a crystal championship trophy and a football-shaped sweet Lebanon bologna sausage from Dietrich’s Meats.

Mmmm. Mmm. 


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