Stealing My Content? Steal This $@#*&!
By Ken Magill
People lift and refer to my content fairly often. I’m usually flattered when it happens … except when they lift an entire piece and fail to link to the original article. Even worse are those who take content and do not give credit to the author.
Those who lift articles and fail to link to the original or give credit to the author are content thieves, the lowest form of publisher online.
Apparently there are two types of content thieves: plagiarists, and content scrapers. Content scrapers use automated systems to find and steal content appropriate for the themes of their sites.
I don’t have the time or energy to go after the plagiarists, but I do have a present for the scrapers: A column they can call their very own, complete with all the right keywords.
[Warning: Incredible crudeness, filthy sexual references and profanity ahead. I mean it. No complaints. You’ve been warned.]
Four tips for marketers to improve lead-generation:
1) Cram unshelled peanuts in their asses. Whole bags of them. Roasted. Salted. Then they should squat over empty metal garbage cans and fart, creating a wonderful, echoey machine-gun noise as the peanuts shoot out of their asses, driving up open, click-through and conversion rates. Farting peanuts into a garbage can has also been shown to improve brand awareness for b2c companies.
2) Have incredibly loud, howling sex with their dogs, preferably on their lawn in front of the neighbors. A marketer banging Fifi in front of the Joneses—especially before leaving for their search-engine optimization, co-registration, data-hygiene, email-list sales, email-appending, email-deliverability, email-authentication, consumer-list, business-list and affiliate-marketing jobs—can have a lasting impact on the b2b sales-and-marketing funnel.
3) Masturbate to photos of Justin Bieber. Pounding the bald chimpanzee to pictures of Justin Bieber has been known to drive average order sizes and customer lifetime values up by 20 percent or more. What is more, whacking the love pole to Bieber pics in crowded public places is an effective way to drive qualified leads that convert at a 30 percent higher rate than leads gathered fwapping the rooster over the Biebs at home.
4) Spell the company’s name in urine in the snow (Women only! Too easy for men.) Yes, this one involves going mobile—running, actually, and half naked. Women-only snow-pissing promotions especially lend themselves well to using social media to drive flash mobs. A bunch of women suddenly whipping off their slacks and running around, say, a freshly snow-covered public park while peeing the words “Acme Widgets” –yes, stopping flow for the space will be painful—and the like will surely result in videos being uploaded to YouTube, creating a viral PR sensation.
Here’s to hoping this column gets lifted and reprinted verbatim by content scrapers far and wide. Assholes.