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Stupid Executive Watch: BofA Tries to Head off the Suck

By Ken Magill

In anticipation of backlash as a result of a possible release of information from WikiLeaks, Bank of America has been aggressively registering domain names that include its board of directors’ and seniors executives’ names and the words “sucks” and “blows,” according to Domain Name Wire.

For example, according to Domain Name Wire, the company registered a number of domains for CEO Brian Moynihan, including BrianMoynihanBlows.com, BrianMoynihanSucks.com, BrianTMoynihanBlows.com, and BrianTMoynihanSucks.com.

Domain Name Wire reported counting hundreds of such registrations on Dec. 17 alone.

Think about the money these people make. Then think about the abject stupidity of this exercise. Would someone please remind me again why I’m not a billionaire?

Just imagine the conversation that preceded this sorry piece of senior-executive stupidity.

Senior VP Susan: Bob, senior management here at BofA is very worried about this WikiLeaks situation.

Assistant Bob: Why? Have we done something wrong?

Senior VP Susan: Nothing more wrong than any other bank, Bob, and certainly nothing illegal, but still, we’re worried.

Assistant Bob: About what, Susan?

Senior VP Susan: We’re worried that some people might draw the conclusion that some senior executives here suck, or even worse, blow.

Assistant Bob: Haven’t we already drawn those conclusions internally?

Senior VP Susan: Why yes, Bob, we have. But we don’t want the public catching wind of just how much an executive can suck and/or blow and still draw a nine-figure salary with a whopping bonus, now do we?

Assistant Bob: No, I guess you’re right. But what can we do? I mean, the information’s going to be out there and judging by what happened with the State Department’s WikiLeaks, it’ll get republished in multiple places, including the New York Times.

Senior VP Susan: It’s not the information we’re worried about. We’re not going to be able to un-ring that bell, Bob. It’s the sucking and blowing we’re worried about. We don’t want anyone finding out how much our senior executives and board of directors suck and blow. The issue is hiding the sucking and blowing. Do you understand?

Assistant Bob: [taking notes] Hide. Sucking. Blowing. Okay, I’m with you. How?

Senior VP Susan: We want you to register every conceivable domain name with a combination of our senior executives’ and board of directors’ names and the words sucks and blows.

Assistant Bob: You mean like BrianMoynihanSucks.com?

Senior VP Susan: Yes.

Assistant Bob: And BrianMoynihanBlows.com?

Senior VP Susan: Yes.

Assistant Bob: And BrianMoynihanTrulyBlows.com?

Senior VP Susan: Yes! Yes, Bob! That’s it! If it has sucks or blows in it, register it! Register them all!

[After WikiLeaks Publishes BofA Internal Documents]

Senior VP Susan: Well, Bob, give me a sucks and blows status report, would you please?

Assistant Bob: Well, no one’s saying our senior executives and board members suck.

 Senior VP Susan: Wonderful!

Assistant Bob: And no one’s saying they blow.

Senior VP Susan: Fantastic!

Assistant Bob: Unfortunately, I didn’t register BrianMoynihansADouchenozzle.com.

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Terms: Feel free to be as big a jerk as you want, but don't attack anyone other than me personally. And don't criticize people or companies other than me anonymously. Got something crappy to say? Say it under your real name. Anonymous potshots and personal attacks aimed at me, however, are fine.

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Date: 2011-02-20 08:42:44
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Posted by:
Date: 2011-01-14 14:29:18
Subject: Stupid Executive Watch: BofA Tries to Head off the Suck

As usual, another great post, Mr. Magill! I thought you'd appreciate knowing that kenmagillsucks.com and kenmagillblows.com are available. So, you can check that off of the list of prerequisites for being a nine-figure compensated executive. :)

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