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Ken Magill

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Time to Ban the Word Consumer as a Qualifier


By Ken Magill

It’s time to replace the word “consumer” whenever it comes before words such as “advocate” with something more accurate.

“Time-and-resource-sucking jackwad” works.

Yeah, time-and-resource-sucking-jackwad advocate. That’s more like it.

And we came up with the new name just in time to learn of a new time-and-resource-sucking jackwad.

Meet James Giardina, an attorney with the Consumer Rights Law Group. Check that: The Time-and-Resource-Sucking Jackwad Law Group.

Giardina is one of two attorneys suing the NFL’s Buffalo Bills on behalf of a fan for alleged excessive text messaging.

After moving to Florida from Western New York, Bills fan Jerry Wojcik signed up for a program that sends fans text messages to keep up with his team.

Someone needs to introduce Wojcik to the Internet.

In any case, as first reported in the Buffalo News, Wojcik’s attorneys claim that after he signed up for a Bills program that pledged to send him no more than five text alerts per week, he instead received six messages one week and seven a few weeks later.

That’s a total of three extra texts over several weeks.

So he’s suing. Can you say time-and-resource-sucking jackwad? I knew you could.

It would be one thing if Wojcik attempted to opt out of the program and couldn’t. But that isn’t apparently what happened.

The time-and-resource-sucking jackwad decided to find another time-and-resource-sucking jackwad who passed Florida’s bar exam and tie up at least one of the state’s courts with a time-and-resource-sucking jackwad complaint.

This lawsuit is embarrassing to me for a variety of reasons. For one thing, I grew up in Western New York and am a life-long-suffering Buffalo Bills fan.

I attended the first game played in Ralph Wilson Stadium—the Rich Stadium—in 1973. Guess what? They lost.

They lost because that’s what they do. Even in the sporadic years the Bills have been good, in the end, they lost.

Oh, and let’s not forget that arguably the best running back to put on a Bills jersey was acquitted of a murder charge when he was obviously guilty and now rots in jail after having been convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping charges.

O.J. Simpson is such an embarrassment the Bills were forced to move his name on their stadium wall of fame out of camera shot. Not that what’s in camera shot really matters so much because Bills games are so rarely nationally televised.

And how about those four straight Super Bowl losses? Yes, a team has to be great to make four straight championships, but still. It’s embarrassing.

Bills fans start every year with high hopes that maybe, just maybe, the team addressed its needs properly in the offseason and this just might be their year.

And at some point every year—this year the moment came mercifully early—the Bills reach into their fans’ chests, rip out their hearts, and laugh manically while dancing on them until they’re pulp.

So yes, the Bills are embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as the time-and-resource-sucking jackwads suing them over three text messages. I am deeply ashamed that these time-and-resource-sucking jackwads and I root for the same team—a team for which my loyalty was already embarrassing enough.

I am also embarrassed by the knowledge that Giardina—the time-and-resource-sucking jackwad lawyer—and I apparently attended the same high school. Way to represent, James.

Oh, and the high school’s name? Sweet Home. Yep, embarrassing.

According to the Buffalo News, the two time-and-resource-sucking jackwads representing the time-and-resource-sucking jackwad plaintiff denied their lawsuit is frivolous.

“[A] ‘frivolous lawsuit’ is one that has little chance of succeeding in court,” the two attorneys stated, according to the Buffalo News. “This case is exactly the opposite. We have a defendant who appears to have violated a federal law on multiple occasions, affecting thousands of people. Whether you are a fan of the Bills or not, no one should spam their customers. The [Telephone Consumer Protection Act] has been on the books for more than 20 years. The Bills either knew or should have known that they were breaking the law.”

First, the Bills didn’t spam Wojcik. He signed up for the program apparently unaware he could type “Buffalo Bills” in any search-engine news service and get all the information he could want, remember?

But maybe in some bizarro world where judges conduct trials dressed as clowns while playing kazoos, waving symphony batons and squirting water out of fake flowers into clown attorneys’ faces—everyone in the room having spilled out of a tiny car—this is not a frivolous lawsuit.

So how about time-and-resource-sucking-jackwad lawsuit? Would that be more accurate?

Yes, I think that would be more accurate. Now excuse me while I put a bag on my head.


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Terms: Feel free to be as big a jerk as you want, but don't attack anyone other than me personally. And don't criticize people or companies other than me anonymously. Got something crappy to say? Say it under your real name. Anonymous potshots and personal attacks aimed at me, however, are fine.

Posted by: You are stupid
Date: 2014-04-23 21:08:19
Subject: And probably fat